We frequently believe that actual friendship means being as close as possible, sharing everything, and spending loads of time with each other. But what if being too close actually weakens a friendship instead of strengthening it?
Over the years, I’ve learned that healthy friendships aren’t always about constant contact or deep emotional sharing. In fact, some of the strongest bonds are built by finding the right distance the level of intimacy that makes both people feel comfortable, connected, and respected.
Not Every Close Friend is a Travel Buddy
Let's take this for instance: I enjoy visiting off-the-beaten-path locations, while my best friend likes the luxury of an all-inclusive resort. That does not mean either of us is wrong, it just means we likely shouldn't vacation together. And that's perfectly alright! By avoiding shared experiences that we don't want to have, we safeguard the friendship rather than stressing it out.
Long-distance friendships, low-maintenance friendships, or even what I refer to as "low-dose friends" can flourish magnificently when we release the pressure of making every connection all-or-nothing.
Rebalancing Friendships Without Cutting Them Off
Friendships do not always have to end when they are no longer "perfect." Sometimes all they require is a change. You can remain friends with someone but distance yourself from being each other's everything for deep emotional conversations. Perhaps you spend time together more in groups than as individuals. That tiny adjustment can lessen the tension and actually bring more happiness to the friendship.
The reality is, we're all wired differently and we love in different ways. So, to assume a single friend is going to be your cheerleader, your therapist, your party friend, and your confidante is a recipe for disappointment. It's healthier to diversify your support system. Maybe one friend is best for blowing off steam after a terrible day, and another is best for profound heart-to-heart conversations.
When Expectations Cause Distance
I've been the victim of one-sided friendships as well where I felt like I was giving more than I was receiving. It stung, until I came to the realization that perhaps we simply existed on different timelines. Some need more space or express love in softer voices. When I receded, most of those friends contacted me eventually on their own. They didn't vanish—they simply required a different beat than I did.
That change of attitude allowed me to stop taking it personally. I realized that emotional intimacy in friendship may not be the same on both sides.
Let Go, Feel Lighter
When we let go of expecting our friends to fulfill all of our emotional requirements, something special occurs: freedom. We no longer place too much upon one individual and, subsequently, feel less annoyed. Our friendships are able to breathe once more.
Friendships Evolve And That's Normal
Research estimates that we lose half of our friends every seven years. But what if the number decreased if we simply reframed the borders rather than jumping ship entirely?
So the next time a friendship seems "off" more often than not, consider asking yourself:
- "What level of closeness feels healthy here?"
- "Can I reconfigure my needs with someone better suited to fulfill them?"
There's a quotation from Edna St. Vincent Millay that states,
"The terrible trials of incessant proximity are more dangerous to love than the longest absence."
At times, space is what sustains friendship.
Questions to Ponder:
- Do you know someone who no longer serves all your emotional needs?
- Is it possible to redefine that relationship without having to end it?
- Are there others who can do those different things in your life more naturally?