Ever been smitten with someone who has their guard up despite your best efforts to bond? You're not alone. Avoidantly attached partners can make relationships feel like emotional tug-of-war but is there hope for true closeness?
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Attachment styles start developing early on. If children feel safe and nurtured, they develop the belief that people are trustworthy as adults. But if their emotional needs weren't fulfilled, others develop what's called avoidant attachment a style characterized by emotional distance and an aversion to being close.
These people tend to come across as "hard to get" or emotionally unavailable. And even if they do become seriously involved, they might continue to keep their defenses up.
But here's the question of the day: Can avoidant people change? Is it ever possible for them to open up to someone?
The Good News: People Can Change
Personality is not set in stone for good. As individuals develop, particularly through experience in meaningful relationships, they can change.
Through a psychological theory known as the Attachment Security Enhancement Model (ASEM), repeated reassurance by a loving partner can gradually cause an individual to crack their emotional shields. It is like brain reprogramming through healthy, positive contact.
Recall the last time you were in a vulnerable state but your partner soothed you, made you feel heard, felt safe around you, and valued. That emotional support, if repeated over time, can actually change how an individual perceives relationships.
The Study: What Science Tells Us About Avoidant Partners
A new University of Basel (2025) study followed more than 1,000 couples for 20 months to determine whether avoidant attachment actually alters in long-term relationships.
Respondents completed surveys regarding how close they felt to their partner on a daily basis, how much they shared with their partner, how understood they felt by their partner, and how emotionally responsive their partner was. In addition, levels of anxious and avoidant attachment, satisfaction in the relationship, and commitment were measured.
The Results:
- Anxious attachment (particularly in women) declined modest but perceptibly over time.
- Avoidant attachment, however, remained stable.
- The partners may have begun with the same attachment styles, but their development didn't appear to affect one another in the long run.
In brief, the study saw very little evidence that emotional avoidance changes a lot in most adults—even in long-term, committed partnerships.
So, Can an Avoidant Partner Ever Truly Change?
The hard reality? Perhaps not so quickly. If you're with someone who consistently withdraws emotionally, it's only natural to wish your love and encouragement will somehow shatter their walls at last. And it's not impossible, but the studies indicate it's unlikely without a significant, personal change in the avoidant partner themselves.
In fact, two individuals with avoidant attachment tend to live parallel lives that are linked, but never deeply emotionally attached.
Still, if you recognize your partner's avoidance as a response to past hurt not a reflection of their feelings for you it might be worth staying patient. The ASEM model suggests that consistent emotional support could create a safe space for change over time. But it takes a lot of patience, empathy, and emotional resilience from you.
Final Thoughts
Having an avoidant attached partner feels like a solitary experience. But knowing the psychology behind their actions makes it better. Change is hard and slow, but not impossible if both parties are willing to learn and evolve.
If you're wondering if you should hang in there, ask yourself this: Does your partner express any desire to get closer even in small ways? If not, the best thing you may be able to do for yourself is to take a step back and work on your own emotional well-being.
After all, you deserve a relationship where love is safe, mutual, and authentic.