Love and connection are powerful, but for many adults, especially those who had to grow up too fast, love can feel confusing, exhausting, or even painful. One hidden reason behind many relationship struggles? A childhood shaped by parentification.
What Is Parentification?
This is called parentification when a child ends up acting like the parent or caretaker in the family.. Instead of being cared for, the child becomes the caretaker emotionally, physically, or both.
For example, if a parent dies or becomes sick, a teenager might have to step in and look after younger siblings: cooking meals, managing the home, or becoming the emotional support system for the parent. Sometimes, the child becomes the “best friend” or even the “therapist” for the adult—taking on burdens way beyond their years.
Why Does Parentification Happen?
There are many reasons why a child may be forced to grow up too soon:
- Divorce or family conflict
- When a parent has a long-term illness or disability
- Addiction or mental health issues
- Loss of a parent
- Financial hardship
- Immigration stress
In all these situations, children often put aside their own needs to keep the family afloat. Over time, this can deeply affect how they see themselves and how they connect with others later in life.
The Long-Term Impact of Growing Up Too Fast
Children who are parentified often learn early that they are only “good” or “worthy” when they are helping others. They feel pressure to be strong, selfless, and reliable even if they’re hurting inside.
As adults, these individuals may struggle with:
- Anxiety and depression
- Feeling empty or emotionally disconnected
- Low self-worth or guilt for having needs
- Physical health issues or chronic stress
- Trouble setting healthy boundaries
They also tend to be drawn to romantic partners who need emotional or physical care—like those with mental health issues, chronic illness, or narcissistic tendencies. In short, they recreate the caregiver role in their romantic lives, sacrificing themselves to support their partner.
Not All Caregivers Stay Selfless
While many parentified adults become overly selfless, some go the opposite direction. They may develop controlling or demanding behavior in relationships expecting their partners to meet all their needs immediately. Both extremes can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns.
What Science Says About Love and Parentification
A new study by researchers Tolmacz et al. Studies show that this experience can affect how we form romantic relationships later in life. The findings revealed three common and damaging patterns in those who had been parentified:
1. Over-Caring – They give too much to their partner while ignoring their own needs.
2. Lack of Authenticity – They struggle to be true to themselves or express what they really feel.
3. Distorted Entitlement – Either they feel unworthy of love and ask for nothing, or they expect too much and feel frustrated when those expectations aren’t met.
These patterns can lead to relationships where one partner gives everything and feels emotionally starved, or where both partners constantly clash.
Study Snapshot
- Participants: 225 Israeli women, aged 19–32
- Findings: Higher parentification in childhood was linked to:
- Lower relationship satisfaction
- Higher emotional stress
- Trouble expressing true feelings
- Greater self-sacrifice and emotional burnout
In short, these women felt unseen, unheard, and emotionally unfulfilled in their romantic lives.
How Can Parentified Adults Heal?
Healing is possible and it starts with awareness. If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that you're not alone. Many people carry these silent emotional scars from childhood. But your past doesn’t have to shape your future.
Here are some healing steps:
- Start expressing your needs. It’s okay to ask for help and support when you need it.
- Practice self-care without guilt. You matter, too.
- Set healthy boundaries. Love doesn’t mean losing yourself.
- Learn that receiving love is okay. You don’t need to earn it through sacrifice.
Most importantly, believe this:
You were always worthy of love, rest, and care just as you are.
Final Thought:
Parenthood should nurture a child’s growth not force them to parent before their time. If you were a child who had to grow up too fast, your journey might be harder but with compassion and conscious effort, healing is within reach. You deserve to be in relationships where your feelings and needs are important too.