When we first fall in love, everything feels exciting and new. We put our best selves forward listening carefully, being kind, showing affection. But as time passes, life gets hectic. We settle into routines, and that comfort can sometimes make us stop trying.
Before we know it, we may start treating our partners in ways we never would have in the beginning ways that hurt, even if we don't mean to. It’s easy to forget how important it is to stay connected, respectful, and emotionally present.
If you're noticing tension, distance, or more fights in your relationship, take a moment to ask yourself: Am I doing any of these three things?
1. Dismissing Your Partner’s Feelings
Phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” “It’s not that serious,” or “You’re overreacting” may seem harmless, but they can seriously damage trust. This is called emotional invalidation, and it makes your partner feel unseen and unheard.
Take Lisa and Aaron, for example. Lisa used to feel truly loved and special with Aaron. But as the years passed, every time she opened up about her needs, Aaron would shut her down with comments like, “You’re being dramatic.” Eventually, she felt so rejected that she gave up trying altogether. By the time Aaron realized what was happening, Lisa had emotionally checked out.
The Fix: Instead of judging or brushing off your partner’s emotions, listen. Say things like, “I hear you,” or “Tell me more about how you’re feeling.” Validation builds emotional intimacy and trust.
2. Keeping Score
Do you ever catch yourself mentally tallying who did what who apologized first, who cooked last, who started the last fight? That kind of scorekeeping leads to resentment and power struggles, not love.
Ed and Joanna came to couples therapy saying all they ever did was argue. But when I asked them to share just three things they appreciated about each other, everything shifted. Ed said Joanna was a great mom and his rock during tough times. Joanna, through tears, called Ed loyal, funny, and caring. That moment helped them remember what they liked about each other and why they chose to be together.
The Fix: Replace judgment with gratitude. Focus on what your partner does right, not what they haven’t done. Appreciation softens hearts and builds connection.
3. Stonewalling (Emotionally Shutting Down)
Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down and refuses to talk. It’s not just silence it’s a wall that blocks connection. And over time, it kills communication.
Emma and Sam struggled with this. Whenever Emma brought up money, Sam shut down. During one session, Emma sat silently with crossed arms and said, “This is how you act when I talk about finances.” Sam broke down crying. That’s when he realized his reaction came from his childhood, when his mom avoided money conversations out of fear. He hadn’t even known he was doing the same thing to Emma.
The Fix: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break but tell your partner that you’ll return to the conversation. Saying, “I need a minute, but I care about what you’re saying,” helps your partner feel safe.
Final Thoughts: Healing Starts with Awareness
No relationship is perfect. But being aware of these toxic behaviors and making small shifts can help rebuild trust, respect, and closeness.
Stop dismissing. Stop keeping score. Stop shutting down.
Instead, try this:
- Listen more
- Speak kindly
- Show appreciation often
Your relationship deserves to grow not just survive. With kindness and steady effort, love can grow back.