Have you ever found yourself more like your partner's parent than his or her equal? Perhaps you're the one reminding him to pay bills, tidying up after him, or always catering to his needs while yours are ignored. If you're doing any of these things, you could find yourself trapped in a dynamic known as parentification and it can gradually destroy intimacy and connection in your relationship.
What is Parentification?
Parentification occurs when children are compelled to take on too many adult roles at an early age. Rather than being a carefree child, they find themselves:
- Taking care of younger siblings
- Handling household responsibilities or money
- Providing emotional consolation to parents
- Responsible for adult-level issues
Although these children may look "mature," the secret price is high. They typically deny their own emotions, learn to over-function, and internalize the message that their needs don't count.
How It Impacts Adult Relationships
Flash forward to adulthood those same dynamics frequently appear in romantic relationships. A study published in Family Relations revealed that women who had been parentified as children were less satisfied in their relationships and frequently felt emotionally abandoned by their partners.
Why? Because if your childhood conditioned you that your needs don't matter, it's difficult to request help or be vulnerable. Rather, you continue to do more and more, expecting your partner to eventually get it and return it.
Here's the catch, though: this imbalance creates dynamic tension. One person falls into the "parent" role and the other into the "child" role, which over time can undermine trust, intimacy, and sexual desire.
Parenting Your Partner: The Hidden Strain
Sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri describes how this imbalance doesn't merely bring emotional distance, but affects physical intimacy as well. If you're always parenting your partner, you might feel drained, resentful, or disconnected. And when resentment accumulates, sexual desire takes a plunge.
Think about it: it's difficult to be attracted to someone who feels more like your dependent than your equal.
Indications you might be "parenting" your partner include:
- Constant reminding them of duties
- Doing more than your share of the work
- Doing all the planning or decision-making
- Feeling exhausted or taken for granted
Breaking the Cycle
The good news? Parentified patterns of behavior may be altered. Here's how to get started:
1. Open Conversations – Speak openly with your partner regarding workload, responsibility, and how the imbalance affects you.
2. Draw a Line – Don't do it all. For instance, wash only your own clothes to make them step up.
3. Rebalance Roles – Split household and emotional duties more equally.
4. Get Therapy if Necessary – A couples therapist may deconstruct well-established dynamics and reconstruct better habits.
Key Takeaway
Parentification can start in childhood, but its effects can tend to last into adulthood, informing how we love, communicate, and relate. If you catch yourself repeatedly "parenting" your partner, it's a signal to take a step back and reassess.
Good relationships are founded on equality, mutual nurturing, and joint responsibility not one shouldering everything for both. By identifying these habits and making alterations, you can build a relationship that is more balanced, supportive, and genuinely intimate.