Ever wondered why even grown adults act like kids during arguments with their partners? Why small disagreements turn into major emotional outbursts? It's not because we're immature it’s because deep down, our inner child is running the show.
Let’s explore why love can trigger these childlike behaviors and how we can break free from unrealistic expectations and start building healthier, deeper relationships.
When Love Brings Out the Child in Us
In adult relationships, we're expected to handle things like bills, chores, parenting, and future plans with maturity. But when conflict arises, many couples don’t sit down to calmly solve their issues. Instead, they shut down, lash out, or silently build resentment over time.
So why don’t we always act like adults in love?
Because when we're emotionally hurt, we often react like the child we once were not the adult we are today.
The Way We First Learned to Communicate
As toddlers, we didn’t have the words to express what we needed. We cried, yelled, or acted out. That was our only way to be heard. Over time, we were shaped by how our parents or caregivers responded to those needs.
Fast forward to adulthood, and something surprising happens:
In romantic relationships, we often fall back into those early patterns.
When we’re upset, we want instant understanding. If we don’t get it, we raise our voice or shut down not because we’re bad, but because those emotional habits were learned young.
We Chase a Fantasy, Not a Person
Deep down, everyone wants love that feels like a fairytale. But the kind of love we chase often isn’t based on reality it's shaped by the family we grew up in.
Sometimes, we create an “ideal partner” based on who we wish our parents were either idolizing or rejecting traits they had.
For example:
- A man who grew up with a controlling mother may long for a soft-spoken, gentle wife but this fantasy is rooted in childhood rebellion, not his current relationship.
- A woman who adored her emotionally distant but financially reliable father might crave a partner who never shows emotions ignoring the love and care her sensitive husband offers.
When our real partner doesn’t match the fantasy?
We feel let down, frustrated, even angry.
The Trap of Projection
Instead of seeing our partner for who they are, we start projecting our needs and fantasies onto them. We expect them to meet emotional needs that were never met in childhood.
If your parents broke promises or weren’t emotionally available, you might now expect your partner to always be reliable, never fail, and never disappoint you.
Here’s the problem:
Your partner isn’t your parent. And no matter how much you love them, they can’t heal wounds from your past. Only you can.
Love and the Fairy Tale Illusion
Fairy tales gave us the idea that love conquers all that the right partner will “complete us” and fix everything. In fairy tales, magical changes happen overnight. Evil is defeated, the hero wins, and they live “happily ever after.”
So what happens when reality doesn’t feel magical?
We often fall into “hero vs. villain” roles:
- We’re the good guy trying to be understood.
- Our partner is the bad guy for not getting it.
But real love isn’t about defeating each other it’s about understanding each other.
The Real Ending Is Just the Beginning
It’s not wrong to want love that feels special. But we have to understand that no one can meet every childhood need we still carry. When we drop the fantasy and embrace our partner as they truly are flaws and all that’s where real intimacy begins.
Therapy, open communication, and self-reflection can help couples:
- Recognize when their inner child is reacting.
- Understand the roots of their expectations.
- Replace unrealistic fantasies with real, grounded love.
Final Thoughts: Love Grows When Fantasy Ends
In relationships, we all carry our past. We seek comfort, healing, and connection and that’s perfectly human. But when we expect our partner to magically be who we wished our parents were, we set ourselves up for pain.
The end of the fairy tale doesn’t mean the love story is over.
It means you’ve stepped into something even more powerful a real, grown-up love that isn’t based on fantasy, but on truth, healing, and partnership.