What if one tiny word is quietly breaking your relationships without you even noticing? No, it’s not a curse word. It’s “fair.”
Yep, fair.
In love, at work, and even among friends, chasing fairness can actually do more harm than good. It might sound noble to say, “I just want things to be fair.” But after over three decades and thousands of hours working with clients in counseling, I’ve seen how this word can quietly unravel even the strongest bonds.
Why Fairness Feels Right (But Goes Wrong)
Wanting fairness isn’t a bad thing. It feels logical. Reasonable. Justified. But the truth is, most of the time when we say, “I want what’s fair,” what we really mean is, “I want what I think I deserve.” And that’s where the trouble starts.
Fairness is personal. It’s based on your own point of view how much effort you think you're putting in, and what you believe others owe you in return. But that view can be skewed, emotional, and often totally different from how others see it.
The Hidden Problem with the “Fairness Filter”
Research shows that when we think something’s unfair, our brain reacts fast sparking feelings like anger, resentment, or even a need to punish. That’s because we’re wired to respond emotionally to inequality. But the catch? Our sense of what’s “fair” is often flawed.
We forget the things we don’t see: the silent efforts, the emotional labor, or someone’s limited capacity. And when we’re focused on fairness, we stop seeing the full picture.
Real-Life Ways Fairness Backfires
In Romantic Relationships
Take Lisa and Jordan (not their real names). Lisa says she’s doing all the emotional work planning, cleaning, keeping the relationship alive. Jordan feels he’s the one working long hours and paying the bills. Both feel unappreciated. Both feel the other isn’t being “fair.” And both dig in their heels, convinced they’re right. Sound familiar?
At Work
A new hire gets a promotion, and you’re thinking, “I’ve worked just as hard maybe harder!” But you don’t have the full story. When we don’t know all the details, we create our own version. That “unfair” feeling grows, turning into resentment that poisons your view of your job and coworkers.
Among Friends
You’re always the one checking in. You remember birthdays. You’re the “giver.” But your friend doesn’t return the same energy. You feel used. Maybe they’re just wired differently. Maybe they only show up during big life moments, not the day-to-day. But once you start keeping score, the friendship begins to fade.
A Smarter Question to Ask Than “Is This Fair?”
It’s easy to get caught up in scorekeeping. But a healthier approach is to ask:
- Is this working for both of us?
- Do we actually understand and value what the other brings?
- Have I made my needs clear, or just silently expected them to be met?
Curiosity helps us connect. Fairness can create distance.
The Truth: Fairness Isn’t the Enemy But Our Obsession With It Can Be
Wanting fairness is human. But clinging to it too tightly can hurt the very relationships we care about most. When fairness becomes more important than kindness, communication, and flexibility, love and trust start to fade.
The strongest relationships aren’t about 50/50. They’re about showing up with generosity even when it feels a little uneven.
Because at the end of the day, real connection isn’t about keeping score, it’s about giving with an open heart.