Many people believe that love alone will see them through in marriage. Psychological research shows, however, that love, being essential as it is, cannot keep the relationship strong during life's ups and downs. What holds couples together is actually how well they handle expectations, communicate effectively, and handle conflict with maturity.
People blame "falling out of love" or "incompatibility" when relationships fail, but the truth is, most couples just don't know how to be married before they get married. That's why there are a few key things every couple needs to learn before they say "I do."
Below are two of the most important truths that can help build a healthy and lasting marriage.
1. Problems Don’t Magically Disappear After the Wedding
Most of us dream about marriage, about a beautiful, peaceful life shared with a loved one. In reality, however, even the happiest couples have disagreements.
The well-known relationship researcher john Gottman estimates that about 69% of marital problems are "perpetual." This does not mean that most issues never completely go away, rather they need to be managed and revisited over time.
That may sound discouraging, but it's actually normal. Two people come from different families, habits, and temperaments, so conflict is inevitable. Maybe one partner is a night owl while the other prefers early mornings, or one loves saving money while the other enjoys spending on experiences. These differences do not make you incompatible; they merely show that you're human.
Most couples find problems in everything, but the real issue arises when couples believe that “true love” will automatically erase all problems. It is sure to disappoint them. Even strong couples argue-the difference is how they argue.
Healthy partners don't use hurtful words or withhold the silent treatment. They do not keep score during fights; rather, they work together to solve a problem. Of all the marriage skills you can learn, learning to disagree respectfully is one of the most valuable.
So don't seek someone with whom you will never fight; instead, seek someone who will have a fair argument with you: one who listens to you, respects feelings, and lets both of you grow stronger after every argument.
2. Marriage Isn't a One-Time Decision, It's a Daily Choice
Many people believe the most challenging part of marriage is planning the wedding or saying vows. Real marriage, however, begins when the ceremony ends.
A 2014 study in Psychological Inquiry found modern marriages are often saddled with unrealistic expectations. Individuals want one's spouse to be their best friend, co-parent, emotional support, financial partner, and motivator all rolled into one. While it is great to share life with someone who supports a person, putting pressure on them to play all those roles well can be quite demanding on the relationship.
The fact is, strong marriages take work to maintain, and it doesn't stop after saying "I do"; it's actually just the beginning. Marriage is comprised of hundreds of small daily choices:
- Choosing to listen when your partner needs to talk.
- Sharing responsibilities without being asked.
- Putting down your phone and devoting full attention to them.
- Being affectionate, even on the bad days.
- Patience and understanding instead of ego and blame.
That means marriage is not a contract; it is a commitment renewed each day. Some days it feels effortless, while other days it takes real work. But couples who approach marriage as a daily practice of care, respect, and teamwork build a stronger, more resilient bond.
Final Thoughts
Love might bring you together, but what keeps you together is effort, understanding, and the willingness to grow side by side. Marriage isn't about finding perfection; it is about learning how to love and live with an imperfect person over and over again. Looking at marriage as a lifelong learning process, rather than a fairy tale, lays the foundation for a relationship that will not only endure but flourish.