When disasters such as school shootings or mass attacks appear on the news, one agonized question tends to follow: Why are so many of the perpetrators young men and could my son become one?
As a clinician, I've sat across from hundreds of anxious parents, particularly mothers, who ask if some concerning behaviors in their sons may be an indicator of something more. One sobbing mother once asked, "Am I raising a narcissist without even knowing it?" Her concern wasn't baseless. Studies indicate that disregarding early warning signs like entitlement, a lack of empathy, and vulnerable self-esteem can be disastrous.
When Innocent Traits Turn Into Red Flags
America has been rocked again and again by mass killings, political violence, and other tragedies. There is no one "profile" of who turns violent, but research does show that narcissistic behaviors are often at the root of it.
- Fragile egos
- Blowing up in anger when criticized
- Craving for recognition or control
Based on studies on narcissism and violence, most attackers were not villains or strangers but neighbors, classmates, or teammates at one time. Unfortunately, their warning signs were ignored.
All too frequently, aggressive, manipulative, or insensitive behavior is dismissed: "boys will be boys," "he's just being clever," or "he'll grow out of it." But to dismiss these behaviors is to reinforce the idea that hurtful behavior has no actual consequence, promoting sense of entitlement and resentment. And over time, it can harden into a belief system in which violence becomes the only means to restore power or attention.
Why Boys?
It's not about fate or about race, it's about how boys are typically socialized. Some are raised with the expectation that they should automatically be respected, successful, and powerful. If life doesn't work out that way, the disillusionment can be overwhelming, particularly when combined with untreated mental illness or social exclusion.
Some researchers refer to this as "triple entitlement" a toxic blend of privilege, gender roles, and anger when things don't work out. That mix can lead to profound anger, bitterness, and, in unfortunate but extreme instances, violence.
Narcissism Is More Than Ego
Being self-focused is not the same as being narcissistic. Narcissism is deeper:
- Hypersensitivity to criticism
- Blowing up when challenged
- Blame-shifting rather than owning up
- Controlling or manipulating others
These are not innocent mannerisms. Left uncorrected, they can solidify into patterns of hurtful behavior that are hard to interrupt as grown-ups.
Parents, educators, and child care givers must take notice. Eye-rolling or shirking responsibility may be "typical teen" behavior, but recurring patterns of entitlement, insensitivity, or disrespect may indicate more profound problems.
What Parents and Communities Can Do
We don't have to wait for a crisis to occur. We can prevent it if we act early. Here are five evidence-based strategies:
1. Increase Mental Health Screening – Look for entitlement, grandiosity, anger, and internet addictions that can lead to risk in youth.
2. Establish Boundaries With Empathy – Address hurtful behaviors immediately with understanding and accountability.
3. Shift Media Messages – Refrain from glorifying abusers and, instead, emphasize survivors, prevention, and healing.
4. Educate Parents and Teachers – Give them tools to steer boys with firmness, empathy, and consistency.
5. Teach Empathy as Strength – Let children know that genuine power lies in compassion, humility, and responsibility.
Final Word
Boy raising in today's world includes special challenges, but red flags cannot be ignored. Entitlement and narcissism are not personality traits, they can develop into toxic habits if they are not recognized and addressed.
Prevention isn't labeling boys "bad" or "dangerous." It's equipping them with the skills to develop empathy, resilience, and accountability early on. When we intervene with honesty and concern, we raise boys to become men who are not only confident and powerful but also humble, compassionate, and capable of leading with kindness.
Each signal that we neglect to heed today is a danger we all bear tomorrow. For our boys' safety and for our communities' safety, we need to act early, act wisely, and act humanely.