Today, gender equality is something most people believe in. However, when it comes to taking care of household work, women still carry the invisible "mental load" the planning, the organizing, the continuous thinking, which keeps households working effectively.
This invisible work extends far beyond cooking, cleaning, or taking care of kids. It's about pre-empting issues, keeping track of birthdays and anniversaries, managing schedules, and ensuring everyone's needs are addressed. And though it doesn't appear on a to-do list, it's usually more exhausting than manual labor.
Sociologist Allison Daminger, in her compelling book What's On Her Mind, really explores this problem. In her interviews with 76 heterosexual couples and 18 LGBTQ+ couples, she exposes how disproportionately mental work is allocated and why women still bear most of it, even in families that prioritize equity.
What Is Cognitive (Mental) Labor?
Unlike tasks such as vacuuming or loading the dishwasher, cognitive labor is not visible. It encompasses:
- Anticipating ("Did we purchase a birthday card for Aunt Susie?")
- Decision-making ("What do the kids put in the lunchbox?")
- Tracking progress ("Did the homework get completed?")
- Managing emotions and timing
The catch? This work never stops. It can't be neatly calendared or quantified. And since it tends to fall on women, it is a stealthy source of stress and imbalance.
Why Women Carry the Heavier Load
Daminger's study indicates that earnings disparities and work hours are important but do not account entirely for the imbalance. Even in households where men have higher incomes, women continue to do most of the brain work.
Why? Embedded gender norms. Most families automatically slip into old roles in which mothers are the "natural caregivers" and fathers don't quite fit in parenting arenas. To explain, couples blame "personal preferences" instead of gender a hidden bias Daminger refers to as personal essentialism.
The Cost of Invisible Work
Carrying the mental load is not only exhausting it can also seem never-ending. Unlike folding clothes, there is no ending point. This renders cognitive labor emotionally draining and frequently unappreciated. Worse, since it's not physical, it is seldom noticed.
For some women, it becomes a silent burden that spills over into their relationships, work, and wellbeing.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Balance Mental Labor
Daminger doesn't only identify the issue she presents solutions. While large policy reforms (such as affordable childcare or flexible workplaces) would be beneficial, couples and businesses can immediately begin making some changes:
- Recognize the mental load. No more dismissal as "women's work." Recognition is the initial step.
- Disrupt stereotypes. Men can and need to do mental work, not only physical work.
- Take lessons from LGBTQ+ couples. Their strategies tend to demonstrate more adaptable, equitable methods of managing responsibilities.
- Practice a growth mindset. As psychologist Carol Dweck proposes, skills are acquired, not born with. Parenting, planning, and organizing can be divided they're not "natural" womanly abilities.
The Path Forward
Shifting mental labor won't occur overnight. As Daminger points out, it can be "slow and sometimes uncomfortable." But the reward is tremendous: healthier relationships, reduced stress, and a more equitable balance at home.
If we really want equality, gender shouldn't determine who keeps track of doctor's appointments, who handles the grocery list, or who keeps the family calendar humming. Mental work should be shared because families prosper when everyone shoulders the load together.