If you care for someone with ADHD, there is one sentence they need to hear and it can transform their life.
We live in a world where ADHD is no longer rare. Millions of kids, teens, and adults have been diagnosed in recent years. But while the statistics tell us how common it is, they don’t reveal what it actually feels like whether you’re living inside an ADHD brain or loving someone who is.
For the individual with ADHD, life is frequently one of feeling "too much" or "not enough." Too fast, too slow, too disparate, too intense. Not the "ideal" student. Not the "perfect" adult. And beneath all of this lies something heftier than the symptoms themselves: shame.
Living Under the Weight of Shame
Your ADHD loved one has heard the labels: lazy, careless, unreliable. They’ve apologized more times than they can count. They’ve lived in a constant state of “I’m sorry” and “I should have done better.” And somewhere along the way, they started believing it.
Life with ADHD can seem stuck, like only chaos is an option. I once left a carton of milk in my trunk for two weeks buried under loads of garbage. I figured the smell would last a lifetime. But here's the thing: nearly everything in life is transitory, even ADHD difficulties.
And if you're in their life, you have more say than you know.
The Gorgeous Aspect of the ADHD Brain
Here's the catch: the same characteristics that make ADHD so difficult are frequently the same characteristics that make your loved one amazing. Their rapidly shifting mind? That's what drives their unconventional thinking, their surprise linkages, their creativity, their compassion, their sense of humor.
Yes, they may zone out in the middle of a conversation then leave a statement so deep it's like it flips everything. Yes, they may catch something everyone else didn't see when they were "meant" to be paying attention somewhere else. That's not a deficiency. That's magic.
The One Thing They Need to Hear
Say this: "I love how your brain works.
You don't have to say it word-for-word. It could be:
- "I love the way you think."
- "Your mind is incredible."
- "I love that your brain sees things differently."
This is not the same as generic complimenting such as "You're smart" or "You're talented." This is particular. This reminds them of their ADHD brain the one thing they've been led to believe is a flaw is something you adore.
Why These Words Work
Studies demonstrate individuals with ADHD tend to have low self-esteem. Those four or five words directly combat the negative affirmations they've learned over the years. They remind them their brain isn't tolerated it's valued.
Once a person begins to believe their brain deserves love, it opens doors to confidence. They risk more. They contribute more ideas. They cease hiding the aspects of themselves that they perceived as "wrong."
When to Say It
Timing is everything. Tell them when they:
- Provide a crazy solution that not only does the trick but exceeds your expectations.
- Catch something you totally overlooked.
- Are just being their fabulous, uniquely themselves.
Interject details when you can:
- "I love how your brain continued to wrestle with that problem long after I had quit trying you came up with something I'd never have dreamed of."
Mean it. Say it with passion. And for the sake of all things good don't insert "but." That "but" negates everything.
What's Possible When They Believe It
Being in love with a person who has ADHD is not about denying the tough stuff. Things will still be difficult. Frustration will still occur. But when they believe their brain is worth something even when it's imperfect something changes.
They're bigger. They're attempting more. They're making their best ideas happen. And that "best" tends to be far more innovative, ambitious, and life-altering than you thought.
So tell them. Tell them repeatedly. Make them fall in love with their own mind.
Because when they do, the potential isn't just thrilling it's limitless.