We usually get to hear the words "red flags" while discussing other individuals' toxic behaviors. But here's the reality your own red flags count equally. If you're only paying attention to identifying warning signs in others but never hold a mirror to yourself, you might be missing the patterns that stealthily damage your relationships and personal development.
The initial step in self-improvement is learning how to identify your own hidden warning signs. And here are three effective ways to do it.
1. Pay Attention to How You Deal with Conflict
Conflict and disagreement are uncomfortable moments, but they are also the times when you show the most about yourself. When conflict arises, your feelings of safety, control, or acceptance come under threat and that is when your real emotional patterns appear.
Some individuals shut down, some yell, some deflect or change the subject. These responses are usually unconscious defense mechanisms that keep you safe from emotional hurt but actually damage your relationship with others.
A 2021 publication in The Spanish Journal of Psychology discovered:
- Anxious attachment tended to cause yelling, blaming, or argument escalation and reduced relationship satisfaction.
- Avoidant attachment is associated with emotional withdrawal, avoidance, and lack of communication.
- Secure attachment promotes open communication, compromise, and healthier relationships.
Reflect on this: Do you withdraw, rage, or negotiate? Becoming aware of your conflict style allows you to substitute reactive behaviors with reactions that promote trust and deepen connection.
2. Observe the Way You Apologize
An authentic apology is an indication of emotional maturity but not all apologies are equal. Oftentimes, we apologize only to end the tension and not necessarily because we genuinely want to rectify.
In 2022, researchers discovered that humility has a large part to play in sincere apologies. Individuals who were generally humble (in touch with reality about themselves) apologized more sincerely and didn't try to avoid arguments. Individuals who were intellectually humble (open to the possibility you might be wrong) apologized more sincerely when confronted with disagreements or arguments.
The moral of the story?
- A sincere apology is all about empathy, not ego.
- It's less about guarding yourself and more about seeing the pain you inflicted.
Your "language of apology" demonstrates how you take responsibility and how you are vulnerable. The more you know your patterns, the sooner you can repair relationships and establish deeper trust.
3. Observe Your Response to Boundaries
Boundaries are not controlling people they're about establishing emotional safety and respect. But how you respond to a boundary reveals a lot about your internal world.
When you set a boundary and someone reacts with being rejected, trying to control them, or withdrawing, it may indicate unhealed emotional wounds or boundary discomfort.
A 2024 Personality and Environmental Issues study clarified that boundaries exist in various forms physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual. All of them assist us in remaining independent yet remaining connected to others.
The healthiest setting of boundaries is where assertiveness can convey your needs while honoring someone else's. If boundaries make you feel triggered, it's worth investigating why. Awareness not only makes you healthier mentally but also leads to showing more respect and care for the individuals in your life.
Final Thought
Seeing your own red flags isn't judgment, it's awareness. Once you know your conflict style, your apology tendencies, and how you react to boundaries, you can shift the way you connect with others.
The more you develop these underlying patterns, the healthier your relationships, emotions, and personal development will be.