Are you still caretaking for an adult or parenting a child?

Are you still filling in for your grown child the way you used to when they were a child? If you are, you're not alone many caring parents struggle to quit "helping," even after their children are adults. But here's the truth: your help may be keeping them back.


As a parent coach, I meet many well-intentioned parents who aren't seeking to control their grown children they just don't want them to struggle. They provide financial assistance, fix their issues, remind them repeatedly (nagging is included), or intervene the moment things get difficult. But eventually, this assistance can silently transform into control. The border between support and crossing over gets fuzzy.


Why Too Much Helping Hurts

You may be thinking, "I just want to make life easier for my child than it was for me." And that's a lovely intention. But there's an old saying:

"Give someone a fish and they eat for a day. Teach them to fish, and they eat for life."


The truth is, overdoing it for your adult child can foster unhealthy dependency. When you jump in and constantly save them, they don't get to learn how to recover from the curveballs life has to offer and that's where true growth occurs.


Being too ready to solve everything can really steal from your adult child something incredibly powerful: resilience, autonomy, and self-confidence.


It's Time to Shift Gears

Parenting does not cease when your child reaches 18 but it does need to shift. Most parents are not aware that parenting an adult means acquiring new skills and a different attitude. The role at this point is more of a coach than a caretaker.


Rather than fixing your adult child's issues, teach them how to fix their own. Encourage them to deal with stress, meet difficulties head-on, and be responsible for their own decisions. These are life skills that all adults should acquire.


As I've said in 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, the most essential life skills are:


1. To calm down (emotional management)

2. To solve problems on their own


Therefore, if you're still flying in with your "SWAT Team Parent" equipment every time your child encounters a pothole, ask yourself: Am I really helping or am I inadvertently stunting them?


A Quick Note on Mental Health

Of course, if your adult child is dealing with mental illness, addiction, trauma, or neurodivergence, additional support may be required such as professional assistance. But even in such a situation, the idea must always remain empowerment, not dependency. 



Final Thoughts: Let Them Grow

Growth occurs in the painful places through experimentation, mistake, and even failure. Don't pave your child's way by always clearing the path. Allow them to stumble, get up, and learn to navigate.


Because if you do everything for them, the message that gets through (even though you don't intend to say it) is:

"I don't think you can handle this."


Give them instead the most empowering gift a parent can give: faith in their capacity to make it on their own.

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