It may seem like such a simple question but the response might totally revolutionize the way you do relationships. People tend to dive headlong into dating apps or fret over pick-up lines, ideal bios, or love languages. Yet few take the time to ask themselves the most fundamental question of all: Why am I dating?
That "why" is more significant than you realize.
As per fresh research by the MacLab at the University of Toronto, why you desire a relationship can make you end up in an insecure, pressured, or fearful partnership or a healthy and happy one.
Your "Why" Shapes Your Love Life
It's simple to declare, "I want to find love," but what is driving that need? Is it happiness and connection, or are you simply seeking to not be alone? Are you dating for yourself or to make someone else happy?
If you know your reason for dating, you begin to date with purpose rather than habit or for the sake of fun. And that's where true connection is found.
What the Research Discovered: The Six Reasons People Date
Researchers created something referred to as the Autonomous Motivation for Romantic Pursuit Scale (AMRPS) to determine precisely why individuals desire relationships. They found six fundamental reasons why individuals date some of whom are healthy, others not. Here is what they learned:
1. It Just Feels Right
This is the strongest reason to date so far, you like it! You're attracted to love because it makes you feel happy, connected, and alive. You're not stressed or pursuing something.
Example: "Because being in a relationship makes me happy."
2. It Fits My Values
You believe relationships are a part of your life aspirations. Love, commitment, and partnership are what you genuinely care for.
Example: "Because I deeply care about being in a relationship."
3. It Boosts My Confidence
Being in a relationship makes you feel more confident, able, and proud of yourself. It's a self-esteem boost.
Example: "Because being in a relationship would make me feel proud."
4. I Don't Feel 'Enough' Without It
This is where dating becomes a means to plug a hole. You're single and you feel like you're defective or something's wrong with you.
Example: "Because I'd feel like a failure if I wasn't in a relationship."
5. I'm Doing It for Others
Your family, friends, or even society expects you to have a partner so you do it for them. Not for yourself.
Example: "Because my parents would be happy if I had a partner."
6. I Honestly Don't Know Why
Not motivated by habit, boredom, or without purpose. There's no underlying urge or emotional intimacy to support your dating.
Example: "I don't have a reason I just am."
So… Why Does Your Dating "Why" Matter?
Research indicates that the three healthiest dating motivations are:
- It just feels right
- It is important to me
- It makes me feel better about myself (to a healthy degree)
These motivations are based on self-awareness and emotional readiness, not fear or external pressure. These are individuals who are looking for more committed relationships and are well-suited to actual commitment.
On the flip side, dating out of fear (of being alone or not feeling enough) is strongly linked with anxiety, insecurity, and lower-quality relationships. These feelings can even increase your risk of being abandoned creating a self-fulfilling cycle.
A Better Way to Date Starts With You
Here's the reality: You don't have to date for the sake of not being alone. You don't have to find someone to feel "enough." You have to know yourself first before attempting to know someone else.
Begin by asking yourself:
- Do I desire love because it makes my life happy?
- Am I dating for my own needs or to make others happy?
- Is this relationship contributing to my personal growth?
When your whys are based on freedom, self-confidence, and belongingness, the chances are higher that you will find someone who is similar to your energy and values.
And guess what? Your whys can evolve along the way and that is absolutely okay. As you grow and develop, so can your relationship aspirations.
Final Thoughts: Date With Purpose, Not Pressure
Understanding your "why" not only makes you a great dater, it makes dating worthwhile. When you know what you want and why, you no longer waste time on non-alignment relationships.
So before you swipe right one more time, pause. Ask yourself why you wish to date. The reason might just take you somewhere authentic.