What is enmeshment and why should parents be aware of it?
Let’s be real parenting is hard. No one has all the answers, and everyone makes mistakes along the way. But some mistakes are harder to spot than others. One of the most overlooked? Becoming too emotionally connected with your child, in a way that starts to blur boundaries. This is called enmeshment and while it may come from a place of love, it can seriously affect a child’s growth and independence.
Enmeshment: When love turns into emotional entanglement
So, what exactly is enmeshment?
It’s when a parent and child have such a close relationship that the lines between their emotional needs and identities start to fade. There are no clear boundaries. The parent may overshare, rely too heavily on the child for emotional support, or even treat them like a friend or partner instead of a child.
This kind of relationship isn’t physical or intentional abuse. But it is unhealthy.
Imagine a mom who tells her daughter everything even things a child shouldn’t have to worry about. Or a dad who leans on his son to boost his mood every time life gets tough. These situations teach the child that their job is to take care of the parent not the other way around.
The child loses their sense of independence
In enmeshed families, kids grow up believing it’s their responsibility to make their parent happy. They may feel guilty for wanting time alone or pursuing their own goals. As adults, they might struggle with decision-making, constantly checking in with Mom or Dad before doing anything major from moving out to choosing a career or partner.
Even when friends admire the "close bond," what's really happening is emotional dependency. The parent may expect loyalty, discourage independence, and only feel proud when they can live through their child’s achievements.
The signs of emotional enmeshment may not be obvious
Some examples might sound innocent on the surface:
- You feel pressure to go home for every holiday because “Mom would be heartbroken if I didn’t.”
- Your dad drops by unannounced and expects your full attention.
- You spend hours on the phone with your mom every week, updating her on every little detail so she won’t feel “left out.”
If this sounds familiar, it might be time to take a step back and ask: Is this connection healthy, or is it too much?
Phrases you might hear from an enmeshed parent:
- “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
- “You understand me better than anyone.”
- “Please don’t ever leave me.”
These statements might seem sweet at first, but repeated too often, they send a message: Don’t leave me. I need you to survive. That message can leave a child feeling emotionally trapped and responsible for the parent's well-being.
When your child becomes your emotional lifeline
Sometimes, the child becomes the parent's emotional support system. They feel it’s their job to keep Dad from drinking, to cheer up Mom when she’s down, or to always be available even at the cost of their own needs. They're praised for being helpful, loving, and selfless. But deep down, they’re overwhelmed.
And here’s the painful truth: No matter how hard they try, they can’t fix their parent’s problems.
Enmeshment isn’t the same as teaching responsibility
Don’t confuse enmeshment with good parenting. There’s nothing wrong with giving your child chores or teaching them life skills. That’s healthy. But expecting them to act like your therapist or emotional partner is not.
How this affects the child in the long run
Dr. Pat Love, in her book The Emotional Incest Syndrome, talks about the hidden damage this dynamic can cause. Over time, the child may learn to suppress their feelings especially anger just to keep the peace. It feels safer to “shut down” emotionally than to upset the parent they rely on.
Even in adulthood, these children often feel intense guilt for wanting space. They may second-guess every decision. They might seem confident on the outside but feel insecure, unsure of their worth or ability to manage life alone.
Why? Because they’ve been told, directly or indirectly: You need me to survive. You can’t do this without me.
How to break the cycle of enmeshment
The good news? These patterns can change.
Some parents, once they understand the impact of their behavior, are willing to step back and give their child more space. Some adult children choose to set boundaries, seek therapy, and learn what a healthy relationship really looks like.
It won’t be easy. At first, the space will feel strange maybe even lonely. But in that space, both parent and child have the chance to grow. Parents can seek support from friends, partners, or even professional help, instead of relying on their child. And adult children can explore who they are, what they want, and how to make decisions for themselves.
Final thoughts: Love should never feel like a job
If you’re a parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the freedom to live their own life with your love and support cheering them on, not holding them back.
And if you’re the child in this situation, remember: You have the right to set boundaries, make choices, and build a life that’s truly yours. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your parent it just means you’re finally learning to love yourself, too.