As parents, it's normal to want to keep our children safe. When they’re upset, struggling, or hurt, our first instinct is to jump in and fix the problem. It feels like the right thing to do after all, we just want to help. But here's the truth that many parenting experts have observed: constantly solving your child’s problems for them can actually backfire.
Over time, it can make kids feel like their emotions don’t matter, or worse like they’re not capable of handling life on their own. Let’s explore what this “fix-it” habit looks like in everyday life, and what you can do instead to raise confident, emotionally strong kids.
1. Not Every Meltdown Needs a Solution
Picture this: 7-year-old Jax bursts into tears because his carefully built Lego tower crashes to the floor. His mom rushes in with tape, glue, and a plan to rebuild. But Jax didn’t need repairs he needed someone to sit beside him and say, “That really stinks. Want me to sit with you until you're ready to try again?”
2. Start With Empathy, Not Advice
When 10-year-old Lila shared that no one played with her at recess, her dad jumped in with strategies: “Try joining a new game! Be more outgoing!” His heart was in the right place, but what Lila needed was someone to truly hear her. A simple, “That sounds really lonely,” would have made her feel understood.
3. Perfectionism Needs Compassion, Not Pressure
Miles, age 11, stared at his unfinished writing assignment, frozen in fear. “It’s going to be awful,” he said. His parents, worried about deadlines, pushed him to just get it done. Just do your best—you can do this.' Saying, 'I’m here whenever you’re ready,' would have meant more than a long talk.
4. Sometimes Silence Is the Best Support
Sophia, 14, came home from school and snapped at her parents. Their response? A lecture about respect. What Sophia really needed was space and calm. A soft voice saying, You seem stressed. What Miles really needed was someone to remind him, 'It’s okay if it’s not perfect.
5. Let Them Own Their Struggles
Eli, 18, felt crushed after bombing a college interview. When he told his mom, she immediately offered to email the admissions office. While her intentions were good, Eli felt like she didn’t believe he could handle it. What he really needed to hear? “I believe in you. This is only one part of the journey, not the entire story."
So, What Should You Do Instead?
Here are three powerful parenting habits to build instead of fixing:
- Be Present, Not Pushy
Sometimes, just being there is the most helpful thing you can do. Listen more, speak less, and offer calm before jumping in with answers.
- Validate Their Feelings First
Say things like, “That sounds tough” instead of “Here’s what you should do.” When kids feel heard, they’re more open to solutions on their own terms.
- Empower Their Growth
Let your child face small struggles. It builds resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills they’ll carry into adulthood.
Final Thoughts: Lead with Connection, Not Control
Your instinct to fix comes from love and that’s beautiful. But your child doesn’t need a hero. They need someone who sees them, hears them, and believes they’re strong enough to figure things out.
So next time you feel that urge to fix, pause. Take a breath. And remember: Connection first. Always.