But then, months or years later, none of those promises ever materialize. Every time you bring it up, there's an excuse, a delay, or even emotional punishment. They might say, "We'd be married by now if you weren't so sensitive."
If this sounds familiar, you might be trapped in a manipulative pattern called future-faking.
What Is "Future-Faking"?
Future-faking refers to a situation whereby someone makes promises about the future, but these are all lies to get what they want in the present. A narcissistic partner may talk of a life together, a wedding, or even small gestures that never materialize.
Their goal isn't to build a future with you, it's to gain control, attention, and emotional power in the present.
They do this by making you believe in a shared future so that you can remain attached, hopeful, and compliant. Future-faking is probably the most common manipulation tactic in narcissistic abuse because it keeps you emotionally invested when they give nothing real in return.
How Future-Faking Makes You Feel
This tactic plays on two very potent emotions: hope and fear.
The hope tells you to wait for the promises to become true, while fear warns you that leaving could cost your partner and the future of a dream.
In healthy relationships, people make plans and keep them. In toxic ones, talk of the future is a weapon. It keeps you in a painful cycle of promise, hope, disappointment, and new promises.
If you question them about it, they might call you “too needy,” “too sensitive,” or even tell you that you only care about what they give you.
Sometimes, if you try and leave, they suddenly promise everything all over again: "I've changed. Let's get married."
These emotional traps make it hard to break free, even when you know something's wrong.
Red Flags of Future-Faking
Watch out if you observe the following warning signs:
- Promises never turn into real actions
- Your partner avoids setting timelines or making concrete plans.
- You get blamed for “ruining the moment” when you ask for clarity
- Big gestures replace real accountability
- You're told the plans failed because of you
- Your life feels stuck in a “someday” phase
- They say, “It'll happen this time just come back”
- You have to meet certain “conditions” before they follow through
If your partner talks about commitment but constantly delays, ignores, or punishes you, then future-faking is being used to control you.
Why Narcissists Fake the Future
Narcissists need what psychologists call "narcissistic supply": constant admiration, attention, and control.
They fake the future to keep you emotionally hooked and in their control. They come off as romantic and loving, but it's all a ploy to own your time, emotions, and energy-and not to genuinely connect with you.
Future-faking commonly appears in two stages:
1. Love Bombing: They shower you with affection, promises, and attention early in the relationship.
2. Hoovering: If you attempt to leave, they lure you back with new promises-things like therapy, marriage, that dream trip-only to break them all over again once you're back.
It is a continuous cycle until you finally catch on and take back your control.
Breaking Free from Future-Faking
Escaping this cycle starts with awareness. Realizing the pattern may hurt, but it is also empowering. Here is how to take your life back:
1. Believe actions, not words.
Real love manifests in actual, consistent follow-through, not in just empty words.
2. Dwell on your own goals.
Don't put your dreams on hold until "someday." Take action today.
3. Establish clear boundaries.
If someone repeatedly breaks promises or manipulates you, that's who they are. Boundaries reveal the truth.
4. Don't expect real apologies.
They rarely admit fault; instead, narcissists will twist blame and make new promises to pull you back in.
5. Seek support.
Consider reaching out to a therapist or support group that specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse. You are not alone, and you can heal.
6. Cease self-blame.
The pattern they had of lying and manipulating others existed long before you. It doesn't make you weak to believe their words; it means you trusted from the heart.
Taking Back Your Future
Many people feel angry, foolish, or broken after experiencing future-faking. But none of this is your fault. You were the one who believed in love, in promises, and in commitment-things any decent person would. The deception entirely lies with the one who made those promises but never meant to keep them.
Well, healing starts with grieving the fake future and rebuilding a new one for yourself. Take small, empowering steps:
- Take up a new hobby
- Take a class or volunteer
- Reconnect with friends or family that you lost contact with
Each step rebuilds your confidence and reminds you of one simple truth: Your real future belongs to you, not the person who faked it.